Monday, October 5, 2009

Workplace Hazards

As a life-long member of the Peterborough Beard Collective, and a competent, competitive participant in the annual winter beard growth, I hesitate to admit that I am already imagining a pre-spring trim. I know, its a cop-out. A renege. A failure.

In the past, I have always done rather well in the winter beard category of life. Perhaps I'm compensating for other, less abundant, aspects of being me. Or perhaps I enjoy a warm face and something that you can appropriately stroke in public. Last winter I wasn't even cold. Not even once. Maybe its because my beard was so huge. Maybe its because I was living in Costa Rica. Who can tell? My beard was so huge birds could nest in it. Flightless birds.

So why am I contemplating this madness? Why wield scissors (or a machete) and lop off what is clearly the tallest feather in my cap? Here it folks: work. That harsh mistress that we all must answer to, unless of course we are funemployed. I was funemployed once. It ruled. Alas, no longer. Now I am a cook, and I cook good food. Some other people's jobs may involve looking professional. Those people are lucky, as beards are probably the most professional thing you could possibly wear on your face to work. Cooks are not required to look professional. In fact, the more blood on your apron and the more poorly drawn tattoos you have on your neck, the better. But beards present hassle in the kitchen. They get in the way. They get dipped in the fryer. Caught in the blender. Bits of beard fall into a finely crafted salad, leaving your patrons unsure of how "local" food really should be, despite the dominant fad. In case you were wondering, none of those things are good things. But there just may be a saving grace. A saving grace that directly deals with both beards and foods. Ladies and Gentlemen (mostly gentlemen, unless you are a bearded lady), I present Beard Nets.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. What Dave wrote previously is actually true. My neck beard does connect to both my face beard, and my summer sweater. I have to artificially create a divide. I did just that this morning, and it made me feel like I was born again. Wondering what I would look like without the divide? Picture shag carpet + full frontal. Add well-proportioned muscles and a winning smile.

1 comment:

  1. Jordan. That was brilliant and was appropriate to be read in public.